Comedy Set #3 - Parents & Kids
Length: 5-7 Minutes

How many of you people have shitty fathers out there? My dad is cool, but me on the other hand, I know I’d be a shitty dad! BUT ATLEAST I KNOW! There are plenty of dad’s out there that our horrible and don’t even realize it:
My first example of this? Papa John himself.
You’ve seen the commercials
He’s out delivering pizzas to his customers, driving his new trans-am that he poured all his money into, playing football with customers in their yard, watching the football game with them in the living room, doing keg stands with them at night….all of that.
Then you take a look at his own home and there sits a wife and kid at the dinner table with no food on it!
Better Ingredients,
Better Pizza,
Shitty Father,
Papa Johns

My dad ‘s a great guy though, but also just funny in his own way.
He was born on 420, for those that don’t know.
420, April 20^th, is Hitler’s birthday, and it’s also the international day to smoke weed.
Well my dad is a lot like Hitler, if Hitler was to smoke a bunch of weed.
He really hates the Jews, but he’s to chill to really do anything about it. Plus he got into art school.

I don’t see why he wanted to be a dad.
How many people here tonight are parents?
Being a parent HAS to be horrible.
For those that aren’t parents, make some noise if you have an STD.
See, there may be a few people out here with STD’s but you would of never even known unless I asked them.
But people who aren’t parents…
A child is like the worst STD you can get.
It doesn’t go away for like 18 years AND EVERYONE CAN SEE IT.
You can’t hide those things…..trust me, MY PARENTS TRIED.

I couldn’t imagine having a younger version of me running around.
I’m enough to handle as it is.
TWO DEAD STRIPPERS IN THE BATH ROOM?!?!?!
JEFFREY JR BUCK SHAKE FIST, How many times have I told you, it’s a one dead stripper policy under MY ROOF?!
I would fart on my kid when he sleeps
I would fart on him when he’s awake
I would fart in his cereal, and then fart on him while he eats his farty cereal.
I would make him appreciate fart jokes (if audience didn’t laugh well at the fart jokes add: ATLEAST HE WOULD LAUGH AT THEM)

I just hate kids man, babies are nothing but little vagina boogers. But, vagiana boogers are 20x worse then regular boogers. You can flush regular boogers down the toilet in a Kleenex or something. Now I’m not about to say I tried to flush a baby down a toilet. It clearly wouldn’t work. Again, worse then a regular booger.
Now you’re stuck with a baby you never wanted.
And even if your baby was planned, aren’t you scared it’s going to grow up to be lame? My kid better be cool as shit,…..can I just test run babies first?
Can I go to adoption agencies and let the kid hang out with me for a day and see if it’s better then me at video games.? Or what if it just ends up never listening to me and breaks shit? I just want to test run these babies before I go home with them, that’s all. I don’t want to adopt a child and end up having to name him buyers remorse.

I really am just scared of having kids, I do a lot to prevent myself from having them.
Most of the prevention is by me just not getting laid.
But when I do, I always make sure to wear a condom.
Well one night, I was with a girl and she wanted me to go…..”raw”.
I said, no I’d rather not, not my thing, you understand.
She said, “No, I want to feel you in side of me, just pull out and cross your fingers.”
PULL OUT AND CROSS MY FINGERS?!!?!?
Finger crossing isn’t good birth control.
The only crossing that I’ll be doing before I go in there without protection is the crossing of your tubes when I’m done tying them!
I need solid birth control before I go in!
If she says she’s on the pill, I make sure she pops them two x two like were in a fucking rap video or something. One time I met a girl that wasn’t on the pill but she said she had a “Nuva Ring” . If you don’t know what a Nuva Ring is, it’s a little circle thing that she just puts in her vagina and then bam you magically won’t have kids.
This is just seems like an evil trick for a girl to put a ring on you though, and if I don’t want a kid, I damn sure don’t want a wife!
Thank You Guys
My Name Is Jeff Buck
Good Night.