Comedy Set #2 -Facebook Friends
Length- 20-30 minutes

Hey Roux House, how you guys doing tonight.
Thanks so much for having me, it’s great to be performing here at the
“Let’s Just Be Facebook Friends” comedy show

My generation grew up on facebook, we grew up on Iphones, and most importantly we grew up on spell check. Make some noise if you’re a fan of Spell Check!
Of course you’re a fan of it because with out it you can’t spell shit. Now Facebook has spell check in it! That’s amazing, I can stop looking stupid infront of friends, because as a child that grew up with spell check…..You can’t spell!

WEDNESDAY?
an “N” and a “D” and a “S” with no clue where to arrange it but with spell check it’s no problem.
BANNANA?

It might take me a second, I may have to sing a Gwen Stefani song, but with spell check it”s done *snap* like that.
Czechoslovakia?

hmmm might take a while, might even have to google it but damn it I’LL GET IT DONE.
I don’t want spelling errors on my status updates, my friends will think I’m uneducated. And the person that loves to call me out for it and rub it in is my sister.
She’ll notice that i’ve spelled something wrong, even if it’s just one letter work, and comment on my status, fix it, add a little ‘*’ and then BAM GONE

My status could be something along the lines of:
Doing a HUGE comedy show tommorrow night. It would mean the world to me if my friends and relatives showed up.
 

Most sisters would comment and say something like:

OH HEY JEFF you have a comedy show tomorrow? Sweet I’ll be there.
But Instead, It’s more like:
OH HEY JEFF YOU SPELLED TOMORROW* WRONG. BAM GONE
My sister would annoy me a lot like this growing up and always tease me for stuff. So to get her back I would take my index finger, fully extend it, and kind of jab it in her side. Well now she lives in New Orleans so I can’t do that too her anymore.
So I poke her on facebook instead to remind her of it when she does something annoying to me. Then she’ll poke me back and I’ll poke her etc. and eventually it  will evolve into what we call a Poke War.
I’m really against Poke Wars. Especially when it’s a Poke War between guys. I mean when does it start to get awkward you know. You’ve been going for a week now just poking and poking one another…and it’s getting to the point where you guys JUST went out and slammed a bunch of beers, had a great time, and then you get him….you’re phone buzzes…and SHANE POKES YOU AT 3 IN THE MORNING!
Come on man what are you doing? We just saw each other? What made you think it would be a good idea to think of me at 3 am and then poke me? Isn’t that a little gay.

BECAUSE LET’S BE HONEST
After a certain time of day, let’s say when happy hour starts, the poke button just becomes the “fuck button” because what guys are doing are just sitting there going
“I’d fuck her, I’d fuck her, I’d fuck her, I’d fuck her, etc.”

A lot of guys try and poke girls on facebook as like a pick up line almost. They try and impress her and give attention via virtual poke. Guys do you think she’s honestly sitting there thinking, “OMG JEFF JUST POKED ME…..He’s soooo cute, I’ll have sex with him FOR SURE.
That’s what she’s thinking at all, she’s instead telling her friend, “omg this guy is a crepper he’s just staring at my pictures…Becky what should I do” “Idk poke him back or something, maybe he’ll get the hint to leave you alone.” Then she pokes you back and your imediate reaction is, “YEAH BRO, SHE WANTS ME!”
You need to instead get out and date in real life, go to bars like these
find a nice young lady and give her the best pick up line you got.
Here’s one you can try, go up to a girl like this and be like:
“Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? No seriously because your face is fffuuuuuuccckked up”
I’m kidding sweetie, you’re very pretty.
Seriously though Facebook Dating, Zoosk, MYspcae, EHarmony..none of it works. The only dating website that is guaranteed success, Is Google Earth. It shows you Addresses, Streetview, Blueprints, Hiding places, bushes…..can’t go wrong.
high five someone for stalking
Hey man, maybe you shouldn’t high five for stalking. That was probably a inappropriate time for a high five.

Hugs on the other hand are always appropriate no matter where you are, even funerals. You just embrace someone in your arms and whisper to them “Shhhhh I’m here for you” Hugs are so great that they say Hugs are better then drugs. Which I’m not to sure about but hugs ON drugs you guys…..Holy SHIT

(impersonate hugging on drugs)
Imagine if hugs were better then drugs though….like that was the hardest drug ever and it got you the highest. Imagine a crack head hitting the crack pipe but is like “I NEED A HUG”
So instead of harassing you at the local convenient store for money and what not. He instead is just harassing you for hugs. , “EEYYY MAYNE, I COULD GET A HUG MAYNE, JUST ONE HUG MAYNE, I KNO YOU CAN SPARE ONE MY MAYNE”
And you’re like you know what Crack Head I can give you a Hug….but only if you promise it to use it for uplifting and support and not just to “get high”
So you hug him and he steals your wallet.
Could you imagine if crack heads were on facebook. At first i thought about it and pictured it being the most annoying thing ever, but if you really ponder on it, it may just be entertaining.
Eyyy mayne, eyy mayne, I tagged you in a picture of my kids, they hungry man, can you help us mayne, we came all the way from myspace, we’re here at facebook, and I’m just trying to get to twitter. anything will work, i’ll link you my pay pal, just anything you got mayne, i’ll even log off so you can just leave me a message, i dont even have to look at you doing it

What if there was a Craigslist just for crackheads, The Crack List.
Could you imagine the missed connections on there?
I was panhandeling some people at the time on the corner of 3 and Florida. I saw you walk by after you finished digging through the trash and trying to hitch a ride from the man in kia. I didn’t stomach up the courage to walk over to you, and I regret it immensily. If you see this and are possibly interested in sharing a box together some night, reply back with what was written on my cardboard sign.

How many people here think that Craigslist is an awesome website, make some noise. Quite a few, but let me tell you, the missed connections on Craigs List are nothing compared to the ones on Shindler’s list.

I really like craigslist because recently I was able to buy a Racecar Bed off of it. Because growing up I always wanted one but my dad was real shitty so he would tell me stuff like, “Jeff you can’t have one, they’re too dangerous”. Oh really the racecar bed is too dangerous dad…great you fucked it up for everyone when you hit that wall Dale. My Dad’s not really a shitty guy, in fact he’s my friend on facebook. Anyone else here friends with their parents on facebook? Is it a little awkward for you? Yes? You see, it’s not so much awkward that he’s my friend on facebook and he can read everything I post….I have nothing to hide. It’s just that he LIKES EVERYTHING i say. He’s like “good job jeff, glad you had fun banging that stripper” *like*
“Great show last night jeff” *uploads picture of me and him hugging
DAD STOP BEING SO SUPPORTIVE! EVERYONE KNOWS ALL THE GOOD COMEDIANS HAD FATHERS THAT HATED THEM. I’ll never make it if you keep loving me like this….It’s not funny, It’s just sweet!

Everyone is on facebook now, not just parents.
There should be an age limit before you can get a facebook.
I know some women who have babies and immediately make their child a facebook?
How ridiculous is this. It’s like MY BABY DOESNT EXIST UNTIL IT’S BEEN MADE A PROFILE! Even my 4 year old nephew Jason has a profile and he was the one that had to show me what all the new changes meant/were about. He’s also a comedian so he’ll post jokes on facebook every now and then which are actually pretty funny. Since i figured this was a facebook themed show, I’d share a few of his family friendly statuses with you all here tonight:
His first status:
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you….unless that hand has chicken fingers!

Pretty funny stuff, it got like 8 likes, I know what you’re thinking….how does a 4 year old have 8 friends liking his status? He’s a Sandbox Stud, Idk what to say.

His second status:
Every call is evil because when it laughs it goes, “moo ha ha ha ha ha”

Ok not as funny, not too many likes, but give him a break he’s 4 and his name is Jason. Can’t expect much with that.
Then the other day he caught me off guard. He posted a status that read:
Just got done fucking a transvestite
I was immediatly mad, WHERE DID MY NEPHEW LEARN THIS LANGUAGE
so me and a few others post on his wall like, listen Jason you need to delete this and take it down….you can’t just say “i fucked a transvestite publicly to people, especially if you’re 4!”
He commented back and was like calm down calm down, she took it like a man.
So yeah, I liked it.
Liking stuff on facebook. You can now “like” fan pages
A lot of fan pages are created by companies to advertise products and what not. For instance, The man from the Dos Equis commercials has his own fan page. You know who I’m refering too correct?
“THE MOST INTERESTING MAN IN THE WORLD”
He’ll post status updates like , “I don’t always have sex, but when I do, it’s with 10 girls at a time” something ridculously awesome and over the top.
Well what if there was a fan page for the complete opposite of that guy?

The most Boring Man in the world.
He’d probably just look like some lazy slob just hunched over staring at the camera holding a Milwaukee Best or better yet a Milwaukee Worst saying stuff like:
“I don’t always have sex, but when I do it’s Missionary and dry….very dry”
“I don’t always take a girl out to eat, but when I do it’s at Applebees….and I complain a lot”
“I don’t always drive fast, but when I do…I buckle Up…and my mother is riding shotgun because I still only have a Permit not a full License”

Advertising, Poking, Dating, Sharing Jokes, Facebook has been a staple in our culture for sure. It’s even works it’s way into the media and entertainment. They came out with A FACEBOOK MOVIE. I thought opening days people were going to just spontatinously human combust as they checked in on facebook at a place playing a movie about facebook while updating their status on facebook about the movie that was about facebook and everyone could read it on facebook and decide if they wanted to just go watch more facebook or not.

Even a twitter account got it’s own spin off television show.
The twitter account “Shit my Dad Says” got it’s own tv sitcom
I’m a huge fan of sitcoms, make some noise if you enjoy sitcoms?!?
I have this game I play where I take titles of sitcoms and just make them ghetto.
For example “Shit my Dad Says” would be called “Shit my dad would of said if he was around or If i even knew who he was”
Can we play this game real quick. All i need from you, the audience, is to give me the titles of some sitcoms and I’ll make them more ghetto.
DO IMPROV WITH AUDIENCE FOR A GOOD 1-2 MINUTES
Popular Sitcom Suggestions:
Friends - My Niggas
Two and A Half Men -Two and A Half Grams

Step By Step - Walk it Out
Boy Meets World -TAPANGGAAAAA GURL
Home Improvement - I AINT FIXING DAT SHIT
etc. etc.

(to be continued)