I’m a huge fan of Epic Poetry or Epic Tales such as “Odyssey”, “Beowulf”, “King Arthur”, “The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles”, etc. However, I feel like the best “Epic Tales” are the ones on social networking websites. “Epic Profiles” is what I like to call them. The internet has made it so easy for an average joe to write their own story and show it to the world. People will literally market themselves based completely off of what their “Facebook Timeline”  and “Tweets” have to show. Comedians, Musicians, Writers, and even Local Businesses have done this to gain a fan base or clientele of some sort. However, these self made heros that create their “Epic Profiles” lack an editor to their stories. Or as most would call it, Public Relations. They’re writing their story on the internet in real time for everyone to view it. You getting that job promotion that you bragged about on Facebook is equivalent to Leonardo kicking Shredder to his doom at the end of Ninja Turtles. The difference between you and The Ninja Turtles though, is that when shredder comes back in the second movie…you know that The Ninja Turtles are going to handle it because it’s a story, not real life. How do I know if you get fired from that job you’ll be able to get back on your feet and not just let it turn you into a dead hero? The “Epic Profiles” of some celebrities that claim to have epic tales are prime examples of this. Dick Pics, Drunk Tweets, Racist Undertones in Status Updates. The more public a Hero goes the more his story changes and you realize they aren’t the Hero you thought they were. The key to staying a hero is by staying modest. You can’t have a story with out having actions, so let them speak for you.

Sometimes when you’re at that point where getting up is the hardest part of the day, things just don’t come at times you’d like them to, and you’re scared that you’ll end up short. You need to realize that it’s all just a dick joke.

Comedy Set #3 - Parents & Kids
Length: 5-7 Minutes

How many of you people have shitty fathers out there? My dad is cool, but me on the other hand, I know I’d be a shitty dad! BUT ATLEAST I KNOW! There are plenty of dad’s out there that our horrible and don’t even realize it:
My first example of this? Papa John himself.
You’ve seen the commercials
He’s out delivering pizzas to his customers, driving his new trans-am that he poured all his money into, playing football with customers in their yard, watching the football game with them in the living room, doing keg stands with them at night….all of that.
Then you take a look at his own home and there sits a wife and kid at the dinner table with no food on it!
Better Ingredients,
Better Pizza,
Shitty Father,
Papa Johns

My dad ‘s a great guy though, but also just funny in his own way.
He was born on 420, for those that don’t know.
420, April 20^th, is Hitler’s birthday, and it’s also the international day to smoke weed.
Well my dad is a lot like Hitler, if Hitler was to smoke a bunch of weed.
He really hates the Jews, but he’s to chill to really do anything about it. Plus he got into art school.

I don’t see why he wanted to be a dad.
How many people here tonight are parents?
Being a parent HAS to be horrible.
For those that aren’t parents, make some noise if you have an STD.
See, there may be a few people out here with STD’s but you would of never even known unless I asked them.
But people who aren’t parents…
A child is like the worst STD you can get.
It doesn’t go away for like 18 years AND EVERYONE CAN SEE IT.
You can’t hide those things…..trust me, MY PARENTS TRIED.

I couldn’t imagine having a younger version of me running around.
I’m enough to handle as it is.
TWO DEAD STRIPPERS IN THE BATH ROOM?!?!?!
JEFFREY JR BUCK SHAKE FIST, How many times have I told you, it’s a one dead stripper policy under MY ROOF?!
I would fart on my kid when he sleeps
I would fart on him when he’s awake
I would fart in his cereal, and then fart on him while he eats his farty cereal.
I would make him appreciate fart jokes (if audience didn’t laugh well at the fart jokes add: ATLEAST HE WOULD LAUGH AT THEM)

I just hate kids man, babies are nothing but little vagina boogers. But, vagiana boogers are 20x worse then regular boogers. You can flush regular boogers down the toilet in a Kleenex or something. Now I’m not about to say I tried to flush a baby down a toilet. It clearly wouldn’t work. Again, worse then a regular booger.
Now you’re stuck with a baby you never wanted.
And even if your baby was planned, aren’t you scared it’s going to grow up to be lame? My kid better be cool as shit,…..can I just test run babies first?
Can I go to adoption agencies and let the kid hang out with me for a day and see if it’s better then me at video games.? Or what if it just ends up never listening to me and breaks shit? I just want to test run these babies before I go home with them, that’s all. I don’t want to adopt a child and end up having to name him buyers remorse.

I really am just scared of having kids, I do a lot to prevent myself from having them.
Most of the prevention is by me just not getting laid.
But when I do, I always make sure to wear a condom.
Well one night, I was with a girl and she wanted me to go…..”raw”.
I said, no I’d rather not, not my thing, you understand.
She said, “No, I want to feel you in side of me, just pull out and cross your fingers.”
PULL OUT AND CROSS MY FINGERS?!!?!?
Finger crossing isn’t good birth control.
The only crossing that I’ll be doing before I go in there without protection is the crossing of your tubes when I’m done tying them!
I need solid birth control before I go in!
If she says she’s on the pill, I make sure she pops them two x two like were in a fucking rap video or something. One time I met a girl that wasn’t on the pill but she said she had a “Nuva Ring” . If you don’t know what a Nuva Ring is, it’s a little circle thing that she just puts in her vagina and then bam you magically won’t have kids.
This is just seems like an evil trick for a girl to put a ring on you though, and if I don’t want a kid, I damn sure don’t want a wife!
Thank You Guys
My Name Is Jeff Buck
Good Night.

Comedy Set #2 -Facebook Friends
Length- 20-30 minutes

Hey Roux House, how you guys doing tonight.
Thanks so much for having me, it’s great to be performing here at the
“Let’s Just Be Facebook Friends” comedy show

My generation grew up on facebook, we grew up on Iphones, and most importantly we grew up on spell check. Make some noise if you’re a fan of Spell Check!
Of course you’re a fan of it because with out it you can’t spell shit. Now Facebook has spell check in it! That’s amazing, I can stop looking stupid infront of friends, because as a child that grew up with spell check…..You can’t spell!

WEDNESDAY?
an “N” and a “D” and a “S” with no clue where to arrange it but with spell check it’s no problem.
BANNANA?

It might take me a second, I may have to sing a Gwen Stefani song, but with spell check it”s done *snap* like that.
Czechoslovakia?

hmmm might take a while, might even have to google it but damn it I’LL GET IT DONE.
I don’t want spelling errors on my status updates, my friends will think I’m uneducated. And the person that loves to call me out for it and rub it in is my sister.
She’ll notice that i’ve spelled something wrong, even if it’s just one letter work, and comment on my status, fix it, add a little ‘*’ and then BAM GONE

My status could be something along the lines of:
Doing a HUGE comedy show tommorrow night. It would mean the world to me if my friends and relatives showed up.
 

Most sisters would comment and say something like:

OH HEY JEFF you have a comedy show tomorrow? Sweet I’ll be there.
But Instead, It’s more like:
OH HEY JEFF YOU SPELLED TOMORROW* WRONG. BAM GONE
My sister would annoy me a lot like this growing up and always tease me for stuff. So to get her back I would take my index finger, fully extend it, and kind of jab it in her side. Well now she lives in New Orleans so I can’t do that too her anymore.
So I poke her on facebook instead to remind her of it when she does something annoying to me. Then she’ll poke me back and I’ll poke her etc. and eventually it  will evolve into what we call a Poke War.
I’m really against Poke Wars. Especially when it’s a Poke War between guys. I mean when does it start to get awkward you know. You’ve been going for a week now just poking and poking one another…and it’s getting to the point where you guys JUST went out and slammed a bunch of beers, had a great time, and then you get him….you’re phone buzzes…and SHANE POKES YOU AT 3 IN THE MORNING!
Come on man what are you doing? We just saw each other? What made you think it would be a good idea to think of me at 3 am and then poke me? Isn’t that a little gay.

BECAUSE LET’S BE HONEST
After a certain time of day, let’s say when happy hour starts, the poke button just becomes the “fuck button” because what guys are doing are just sitting there going
“I’d fuck her, I’d fuck her, I’d fuck her, I’d fuck her, etc.”

A lot of guys try and poke girls on facebook as like a pick up line almost. They try and impress her and give attention via virtual poke. Guys do you think she’s honestly sitting there thinking, “OMG JEFF JUST POKED ME…..He’s soooo cute, I’ll have sex with him FOR SURE.
That’s what she’s thinking at all, she’s instead telling her friend, “omg this guy is a crepper he’s just staring at my pictures…Becky what should I do” “Idk poke him back or something, maybe he’ll get the hint to leave you alone.” Then she pokes you back and your imediate reaction is, “YEAH BRO, SHE WANTS ME!”
You need to instead get out and date in real life, go to bars like these
find a nice young lady and give her the best pick up line you got.
Here’s one you can try, go up to a girl like this and be like:
“Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? No seriously because your face is fffuuuuuuccckked up”
I’m kidding sweetie, you’re very pretty.
Seriously though Facebook Dating, Zoosk, MYspcae, EHarmony..none of it works. The only dating website that is guaranteed success, Is Google Earth. It shows you Addresses, Streetview, Blueprints, Hiding places, bushes…..can’t go wrong.
high five someone for stalking
Hey man, maybe you shouldn’t high five for stalking. That was probably a inappropriate time for a high five.

Hugs on the other hand are always appropriate no matter where you are, even funerals. You just embrace someone in your arms and whisper to them “Shhhhh I’m here for you” Hugs are so great that they say Hugs are better then drugs. Which I’m not to sure about but hugs ON drugs you guys…..Holy SHIT

(impersonate hugging on drugs)
Imagine if hugs were better then drugs though….like that was the hardest drug ever and it got you the highest. Imagine a crack head hitting the crack pipe but is like “I NEED A HUG”
So instead of harassing you at the local convenient store for money and what not. He instead is just harassing you for hugs. , “EEYYY MAYNE, I COULD GET A HUG MAYNE, JUST ONE HUG MAYNE, I KNO YOU CAN SPARE ONE MY MAYNE”
And you’re like you know what Crack Head I can give you a Hug….but only if you promise it to use it for uplifting and support and not just to “get high”
So you hug him and he steals your wallet.
Could you imagine if crack heads were on facebook. At first i thought about it and pictured it being the most annoying thing ever, but if you really ponder on it, it may just be entertaining.
Eyyy mayne, eyy mayne, I tagged you in a picture of my kids, they hungry man, can you help us mayne, we came all the way from myspace, we’re here at facebook, and I’m just trying to get to twitter. anything will work, i’ll link you my pay pal, just anything you got mayne, i’ll even log off so you can just leave me a message, i dont even have to look at you doing it

What if there was a Craigslist just for crackheads, The Crack List.
Could you imagine the missed connections on there?
I was panhandeling some people at the time on the corner of 3 and Florida. I saw you walk by after you finished digging through the trash and trying to hitch a ride from the man in kia. I didn’t stomach up the courage to walk over to you, and I regret it immensily. If you see this and are possibly interested in sharing a box together some night, reply back with what was written on my cardboard sign.

How many people here think that Craigslist is an awesome website, make some noise. Quite a few, but let me tell you, the missed connections on Craigs List are nothing compared to the ones on Shindler’s list.

I really like craigslist because recently I was able to buy a Racecar Bed off of it. Because growing up I always wanted one but my dad was real shitty so he would tell me stuff like, “Jeff you can’t have one, they’re too dangerous”. Oh really the racecar bed is too dangerous dad…great you fucked it up for everyone when you hit that wall Dale. My Dad’s not really a shitty guy, in fact he’s my friend on facebook. Anyone else here friends with their parents on facebook? Is it a little awkward for you? Yes? You see, it’s not so much awkward that he’s my friend on facebook and he can read everything I post….I have nothing to hide. It’s just that he LIKES EVERYTHING i say. He’s like “good job jeff, glad you had fun banging that stripper” *like*
“Great show last night jeff” *uploads picture of me and him hugging
DAD STOP BEING SO SUPPORTIVE! EVERYONE KNOWS ALL THE GOOD COMEDIANS HAD FATHERS THAT HATED THEM. I’ll never make it if you keep loving me like this….It’s not funny, It’s just sweet!

Everyone is on facebook now, not just parents.
There should be an age limit before you can get a facebook.
I know some women who have babies and immediately make their child a facebook?
How ridiculous is this. It’s like MY BABY DOESNT EXIST UNTIL IT’S BEEN MADE A PROFILE! Even my 4 year old nephew Jason has a profile and he was the one that had to show me what all the new changes meant/were about. He’s also a comedian so he’ll post jokes on facebook every now and then which are actually pretty funny. Since i figured this was a facebook themed show, I’d share a few of his family friendly statuses with you all here tonight:
His first status:
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you….unless that hand has chicken fingers!

Pretty funny stuff, it got like 8 likes, I know what you’re thinking….how does a 4 year old have 8 friends liking his status? He’s a Sandbox Stud, Idk what to say.

His second status:
Every call is evil because when it laughs it goes, “moo ha ha ha ha ha”

Ok not as funny, not too many likes, but give him a break he’s 4 and his name is Jason. Can’t expect much with that.
Then the other day he caught me off guard. He posted a status that read:
Just got done fucking a transvestite
I was immediatly mad, WHERE DID MY NEPHEW LEARN THIS LANGUAGE
so me and a few others post on his wall like, listen Jason you need to delete this and take it down….you can’t just say “i fucked a transvestite publicly to people, especially if you’re 4!”
He commented back and was like calm down calm down, she took it like a man.
So yeah, I liked it.
Liking stuff on facebook. You can now “like” fan pages
A lot of fan pages are created by companies to advertise products and what not. For instance, The man from the Dos Equis commercials has his own fan page. You know who I’m refering too correct?
“THE MOST INTERESTING MAN IN THE WORLD”
He’ll post status updates like , “I don’t always have sex, but when I do, it’s with 10 girls at a time” something ridculously awesome and over the top.
Well what if there was a fan page for the complete opposite of that guy?

The most Boring Man in the world.
He’d probably just look like some lazy slob just hunched over staring at the camera holding a Milwaukee Best or better yet a Milwaukee Worst saying stuff like:
“I don’t always have sex, but when I do it’s Missionary and dry….very dry”
“I don’t always take a girl out to eat, but when I do it’s at Applebees….and I complain a lot”
“I don’t always drive fast, but when I do…I buckle Up…and my mother is riding shotgun because I still only have a Permit not a full License”

Advertising, Poking, Dating, Sharing Jokes, Facebook has been a staple in our culture for sure. It’s even works it’s way into the media and entertainment. They came out with A FACEBOOK MOVIE. I thought opening days people were going to just spontatinously human combust as they checked in on facebook at a place playing a movie about facebook while updating their status on facebook about the movie that was about facebook and everyone could read it on facebook and decide if they wanted to just go watch more facebook or not.

Even a twitter account got it’s own spin off television show.
The twitter account “Shit my Dad Says” got it’s own tv sitcom
I’m a huge fan of sitcoms, make some noise if you enjoy sitcoms?!?
I have this game I play where I take titles of sitcoms and just make them ghetto.
For example “Shit my Dad Says” would be called “Shit my dad would of said if he was around or If i even knew who he was”
Can we play this game real quick. All i need from you, the audience, is to give me the titles of some sitcoms and I’ll make them more ghetto.
DO IMPROV WITH AUDIENCE FOR A GOOD 1-2 MINUTES
Popular Sitcom Suggestions:
Friends - My Niggas
Two and A Half Men -Two and A Half Grams

Step By Step - Walk it Out
Boy Meets World -TAPANGGAAAAA GURL
Home Improvement - I AINT FIXING DAT SHIT
etc. etc.

(to be continued)

Intro

First off, this is something new that I want to create and try out. I’ve noticed that a lot of comedians don’t tend to change their comedy sets up, and Instead try to stick to one solid set and do those jokes for a long period of time.
I’m not saying these sets aren’t funny….they could be TOP NOTCH SOLID SETS. It’s just that I think a lot of people are scared to try out a completely new bit each time they go up because they don’t think it will be as funny. I personally think if you’re funny, you’re funny. You can take a topic of some sort and create jokes around it for AT LEAST 5 minutes! Or just write enough one liners for AT LEAST 5 minutes! Or even just do some improv or a sketch FOR AT LEAST 5 MINUTES. I’m not saying you should never do a set over again, but I just think it’s nice to add variety to your performances and make each of them stand different from the rest. Why not?! That’s interesting isn’t it? People notice something different before they notice something that blends in. If you change it up every time, people will start to pay attention to you more!

So this is what I’m willing to do.
I’m going to promise myself that I can create at the minimum a new five minute stand-up comedy bit each week.
That’s not too challenging is it?
I like to write a lot, so I may even release more then one a week.
We’ll Call It :COMEDY SETS [I’m not very unique ;) ]

Comedy Set #1 - Sway Calloway
Length of Performance :5 -7 minutes

Let me just say that I’m a fan of MTV despite the lack of music that they play. Sometimes they do have shows worthy of entertainment that will pop up from time to time, but hen there’s times where SWAY makes an appearance and has to broadcast some shitty music news to everyone.

“WHATS UP MTV VIEWERS, DIS YA BOY SWAY”

If you don’t know who Sway is, you’re not alone, but basically he’s like the poster child for MTV. Anytime MTV wants to cover some news, Sway is there to do it.I just don’t understand why he’s “MY BOY”…I never seen this guy before in my life!So if he’s “my boy” naturally when he popped up on tv, I figured I should know who he is, so i looked up his Biography, It Reads:

Sway has been a staple of the music-news arena for more than a decade. From giving Eminem and Notorious B.I.G. their very first radio airplay on his local show in the mid-’90s to providing television viewers with their first good look at J. Lo’s pink engagement ring from Ben Affleck in an exclusive MTV News interview, Sway has been there for some of music’s biggest moments.

Ok now I get the whole Eminem and Notorious B.I.G. thing…that was something noteworthy. But really, J-Lo’s engagement ring from Ben Affleck was one of the Biggest Moments in music history?!? Who cares about that?!? And who gives a shit about Ben Affleck? There is no reason you should include that in your biography or resume.

I’m pretty sure even if I had that on my resume to be a radio dj, not even 104.9 The X would let me be a radio dj….and they let The Fish run that shit for like 10 years before they finally threw him back in the Mississippi.

Despite how unimpressed I was by “My Boy” Sway’s bio, I continued to watch the “news” that he had to offer. He was doing coverage on Paul Wall at the time…..why not, The whitest black guy interviewing the blackest white guy. This was bound for success. (rolls eyes)

 Sway’s interviewing skills were shining during this one. Instead of asking Paul Wall about his music and what his upcoming projects were, like most interviewers would do, Sway swayed away from those topics and decided, “You know what Paul, I’d like to ride around with you in your car through the hood and see how you say hello to people.” MTV more like GENIUS TV. Boy, how could this NOT BE BORING? So they’re riding around and Paul Wall says, “yeah, basically, you kno, ughh what I do is just ….dis…(Paul Wall gives someone the peace sign.) umm…and…umm..we basically…call dis (Paul Wall gives the peace sign)….chuncking up the duece.” Then SWAY ohh SWAY….he was ecstatic to learn this “NEW” hand motion. He prompted Paul Wall to stop the car at the nearest pedestrian so he could try out “Chunking UP The Duece” (and yes he said it just as nerdy as you read it)

It was really awkward. Paul Wall slowed down the car to a young fella on the street so Sway could “Chunk His Duece” in their direction, but then Sway immediatly asked Paul to drive faster and maybe try it on someone else. Funny because usually when you’re riding through the hood in a Lincoln, the white guy is the nervous one in the car. Sway finished his interview without talking about music, I learned how to chunk up the deuce, and nothing relevant happened…..at all.

 But that seems to be a trend with Sway. Sway never covers anything relevant to music or what he should be covering.

 J-Lo is getting Married?

“Hey MTV Viewers

It’s your boy Sway”

President Obama Gets Elected

“Hey MTV Viewers

It’s your boy Sway”

Even after 9/11 I remember tuning in and seeing him

“What’s Up MTV Viewers

It’s your boy Sway

the second tower just fell….this is bad news

Don’t worry Carson Daily made it out ok

We’ll continue with Total Request Live as soon as they clean this mess up.

He just keeps coming in and telling us his name is SWAY

STOP DOING THAT….it isn’t cool.

Sway is one letter off from Swag. That doesn’t mean you have any!

and sway sounds like gay yes.

I wouldn’t doubt it either.

You can just see for yourself with all the random stuff Sway says on his twitter account @“RealSway”

Real Sway? REALLY SWAY? because you know……someone might be out there trying to impersonate him and live his life. (rolls eyes again)

His twitter account does him no justice as an interesting person.

This guy is really into collecting antiques!…I shit you not.

He has tweets such as:

“Antique wall clocks are something often overlooked by many beginning antique collectors.” -REALSWAY

“Many of us have been blessed by receiving an old pocket watch from or Grandpa or perhaps from our father.#IKNOWIWAS” -REALSWAY

“Old lighters with various advertising, Tobacco tins, Tiffany Lamp..GOTTA LOVE IT!” -REALSWAY

It really threw me off when he tweeted this one not too long ago

(6 hours ago from when this was posted to be exact)

It read:

“Whose SKYPE SEXIN? 888-SHADE-45”

REALLY SWAY

SKYPE SEXIN?

The oddest part was no one acknowledged it or re-tweeted it.
Which means 1 of 2 things.

A. No one cares Sway exists or what he says (let’s hope that’s the case)
or
B. Skype Sexin is just ok when it comes to Professional MTV Journalists and Radio Djs……
I didn’t actually believe it was real, I logged into Skype myself to see if it was true.

As soon as I call and see, the first thing I notice is a man with a head wrap laying on the bed saying:

“Yo What’s UP

 It’s Yo Boy SWAY”